2002-08-11 - 3:49 a.m.
2002-08-11 - 3:49 a.m.
i feel sad.
and alone.
i think this will be 2 updates in 2 days. or a week. or some other arbitrarily short period of time. i just feel really lonely all of a sudden.
i want new medication. i want to be doped up. with tablets. and pills. and geltabs. make me a zombie. i want something that will take away my appetite so ill never eat and i will get really skinny. and look like i used to look. strikingly skinny. now, i am just large and in charge. which i do not like. maybe i will fast. i would want to eat carbohydrates too much though. i am a carbo king.
we talked until the sun came up. then you asked me to lay down next to you. i wasn't tired, but my eyelids were heavy. i listened to your breathing and watched as your hair moved gently with the light breeze that was coming in through the window. your hand was on my back, we were on our sides facing each other. i wondered if you were dreaming about me. i could hear the birds waking up outside, and the occasional sigh of the old house. i closed my eyes and just listened to you breathe in and out. i fell asleep, perfectly calm.
i wish things were like that. but my life is devoid of such magic. i can see the sun rising outside of my window.
i am going to go to bed.