2001-11-05 - 1:51 a.m.
2001-11-05 - 1:51 a.m.
i have returned from the dead.
not that anyone cares.
i find myself difficult to look at in the mirror. i guess i have a low selfesteem. im afraid to have people see me without my shirt on.
i miss having someone to love. i feel so empty. i just want to go far away from here.
i stopped cutting myself for a while now. its been probably about 4 months. i guess mentally, i am in a better place that i have been in recent memory. but its different. i feel myself changing, and its always to something different, something that i cant predict.
right now i feel very vulnerable. but thats really nothing new.
its much more than that. i am going outside much more, and actually being somewhat sociable. but not because i actually like it, i just got bored of laying in my bed all day.
but thats really not accurate either. i do wish i could lay in my bed all day. i guess it was just the fear that my life was passing and i wasnt really doing anything.
now that i go out and do stuff, i dont really feel like i was missing much. people are uninteresting and annoying.
i realized a few weeks ago that my recent fairly positive mood can be directly attributed to the attacks on the world trade center. everything just got so much more interesting. i cant help but to find anthrax the funniest thing. i am really messed up.
but i already knew that. i am back in school. after laying in my bed for 7 months, i thought it would be a good way to reacquaint myself with the world. it was successful for about the first week, and then i remembered that school is just a big waste of time. needless to say, i am not doing all that well. i actually have to drop a class this week.
im such a good student.
after these 7 months, i also ran into a problem where i ran out of money. i spend every last cent that i had on therapy. i figured that over the past 2 years or so, i spent over 16,000 dollars on therapy. and im still really fucked up. oh well. thats life i suppose.
albeit extremely depressing. i should have just saved my money and bought a condo with a hottub. i probably would be much happier than i actually am now.
i am going to move to alaska. and i will chop off my head in a logging accident. i would hope that everyone would have a good laugh over that one.
i feel like making out with someone.
unrelated, i really miss my friend marylynne.
you hate me.
thats ok, because i hate you too.
i have keloid scars. a lot of them. i guess that im not going to be able to get them fixed at any point in my life. i also found it funny for some reason that keloid scars are almost always found in african-americans. for the record, i am not black. i just thought it was fitting, i have a personality disorder found almost exclusively in girls, and scars found in african-americans. im so diverse! i like the editors note in this one. "Editors note: In most cases, treatment is not a covered benefit."
haha no shit, like health insurance actually pays for anything. look at the title on this page. its so friendly! Biodermis! for some reason this company sells areola circles. i wonder if i can get those. the masteoplexy is pretty interesting as well. i have to take care of my tits too. tehee.
i am taking abnormal psycology this semester, and i find everything they talk about really amusing for some reason. like all of the medications he mentions, i have been on, and all of the therapies ive already had. but true to form, i never go to the class because sleeping is more fun. that class may get the passfail treatment.
school is stupid. i dont know why i am wasting time talking about it.
if you saw me bleeding, would you care anymore? if you saw me crying, would you hold my hand?
i know you wouldnt.
fuck you.