2004-03-31 - 11:58 p.m.
2004-03-31 - 11:58 p.m.
i feel sad.
yesterday was my birthday. i don't really like my birthday, for a variety of reasons. i don't like to be reminded that i am getting older, and i always feel like it's a disappointment. i am well aware that i always have unrealistic expectations like my birthday should be some sort of crazy extravaganza with moonwalks and slip-and-slides and orgies and other tomfoolery, and it never is, and i always feel disappointed.
it's not that i don't appreciate someone saying happy birthday to me, it's more that i feel like for one day of the year, i want it to be my day.
i don't know, maybe that is selfish. i don't really fucking care!
although i try not to be offended, it really bothers me when she says things like "well you never appreciate anything i get you anyways" as an excuse/reason/explanation for not getting me a present.
even if i have my insecurities quirks, at least humor me on one fucking day for the entire year.
in other news, i may be moving again soon, which is a placing a greater than acceptable strain on my well-being. but i now have 2 kittens, poptart and grapenut, and they are the best things ever.
i miss my friends. i miss going out and doing STUFF and i am sick and tired of "what do you want to do? i don't know, what do you want to do?"s (that was actually one large noun, if you are diagramming my sentences for your english class.)
my birthday makes me think of where i am now compared to where i was in years past. i am in a much better place now than last year, or the year before that, or before that (times a million) up to about, 7 years ago. jesus christ, 7? haha, wow, i had no idea i was such a depressed asshole for so long. WHO KNEW?! not me.
i just don't know where i want to go from here. i've never been good about looking to the future, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. but with more time to myself to sit and think, i can't help but wonder where i will be when i turn 25. (not here, that's for sure)
my brain has been acting kind of strange recently. it's hard to say if it's realted to my recent WHAT-AM-DOING-WITH-MY-LIFE crisis, but i find my thoughts racing somewhat uncontrollably. i also realized why i can't sleep without some sort of white noise, because i still hear people talking when it's really quiet. i sort of accept that i'll never be normal, i'm just concerned that it's an indication that i'm starting to slip.
and slide!
haha.
i think i am going to have a celebratory shot of tequila for the first day of april. any reason to have a shot of tequila is fine with me!
and yes, i'm still here.