2004-12-26 - 11:08 p.m.
2004-12-26 - 11:08 p.m.
i think i am getting depressed again.
which isn't something that i say lightly, since i live every day with the fear that it will some day come back. i often wonder whether people have a predisposition to depression. i am sure there is some sort of genetic reasons for people with depression. at least i think so.
7 years ago, i started to go crazy. before that, i was a relatively well adjusted teenager. i certainly wasn't the status-quo, but my biggest problems involved my parents getting pissed because i liked to wear bracelets and paint my nails. then, i'm not sure what happened. i feel like i should be able to look back and describe my relationship then as a "typical high school relationship", where you flirt for a while, hold hands, make out, fast forward a few months, write a few love letters, fast forward a few months more, oh how sad, it's not going to work out, then someone goes to college and you say hi when you pass each other on the street when you're home for the holidays. but, unfortunately, that's not how it happened for me, and i'm not sure why. it's hard to place blame, because i don't think she was intentionally making me crazy. i do blame her for being so mean and harsh to me, but it was my reaction to the way she treated me that i still have a hard time comprehending. if i never dated her, would have something else triggered my depression/craziness? was it something that was just waiting to happen? and if so, am i just waiting for it to happen again?
and i don't have an answer, and i probably never will. but every day i think about how quickly my life fell apart when i was younger, over something that seems so trivial now. and i know that people change, and grow stronger, and learn from their mistakes, and i am a completely different (and hopefully better) person now. it makes me feel so small to say that a stupid girl in high school led me down a road to depression and medications and doctors and the hospital and scars for over 6 years of my life.
what happened to me?
is it my personality disorder? was i born this way, and i just have to learn to avoid emotionally damaging situations? will the fact that i didn't kill myself the first time around mean that i will be able to handle anything else that happens in my life?
who the fuck knows.
i just feel so lonely all of the time, even when i have someone next to me, even when i cuddle next to someone all night. nothing feels real, and i feel so detached from reality. i wish i had someone to give me a hug, but a hug every day. and a hug that is more than a oh-i-am-hugging-you-because-you-are-my-friend hug, but someone to hold me. and judging how difficult it is to type that, it makes me feel shitty to admit that i am so emotionally needy at this point in my life. i don't feel comfortable being emotionally needy, since it was that persona that controlled me years ago, the one that emotionally destroyed just about everything in it's path to be taken care of and loved. me = bulldozer of feelings.
it doesn't help that i think i have a crush on someone i shouldn't.
i feel that depression reasoning creeping back, where you are well aware that everything around you is GOOD, and it makes you even more depressed and sad to know that you're not happy because of it. i have good friends, i have all my fingers, i don't have any sexually transmitted diseases, i can make an amazing margarita, i have airport friendly shoes, and i have two kitties that i love very much. what the fuck is my problem?
i don't know, and maybe i never will. i think i should move away, but i don't know where, and i don't want to go alone.
i never want to go alone.