2003-01-03 - 3:55 a.m.
2003-01-03 - 3:55 a.m.
i am back.
which is not a good thing.
things had been okay.
things are not okay anymore.
AND I CAN'T FIND MY FUCKING RAZOR BLADES.
i don't know where the fuck they went. i just trashed my room looking for them. and i found nothing.
i used to keep one under my keyboard at the computer, but that's gone too.
she came home for winter break. we hung out. and laughed. and it was like old times, without all of the fucking drama. we kissed one night and she said she did it because she was lonely, not because she liked me. and that was okay with me, i was just happy to be her friend. and then we hung out more. and i saw the way she looked at me. we went for walks and she held my hand. i kissed her on the forehead and she smiled.
we watched movies in my bed and watched hours slip by.
she leaves saturday. we hung out tonight. and it was nice. we laid in my bed and watched a movie. and we kissed. and it felt special. and perfect.
i felt like SOMEBODY, rather than ANYBODY.
and when it was all over, that's exactly what it was.
all over.
all good things come to an end. why does it always seem like my good things happen for one week ever 5 years?
if i cared about my life at all, i would probably really go hurt myself. it's like a catch 22, luckily one that is keeping me alive.
i won't even go into the details of the conversation, because they really don't matter. not to me, not to her, not to you. i am not what she wants. and i am me, and i can't/won't change.
so i am fucked once again.
what else is new.
one of the main reasons i hadn't cut myself in like 3 months was because i wanted to be able to prove to her that i was New, and Different. and i am. but that's still not good enough to her when it comes down to it. it's nice to hold my hand and kiss me because i am familiar, but that's all i have going for me it seems.
hey, i'm really into you, provided that there is noone better around to lay with.
i see why all the girls adore me now.
and i am not just being obsessive ex-boyfriendish. i used to be, and it took me a solid 9 months to get past that. it just really sucks when you have convinced yourself in your head that you have already found the one thing that most people spend their lives looking for, and that thing isn't interested in you "like that".
all i do is whine and bitch.
but seriously, why do i try? what's the fucking point? the one main reason i tried so hard to get better was to foster the small hope that i could prove to her that i was a different person without any of the bullshit issues i had before, and i DID that, and she does like me. just not like that.
she told me that from the very beginning. but i saw how she looked at me. and i am no fucking fool.
well, actually, i am. the fact that i am typing this proves that fact. if i thought taking all my pills would be funny, i would do so right now. but nothing is funny to me right now.
i suppose i will have to do the typical depressed person reaction and drink myself into oblivion tomorrow night. however, a) my tolerance is absurdly high and i rarely get drunk, and b) the last thing want to do when i feel like shit is to drink something that tastes like shit.
so fuck it. i am hoping that by continuing to type i will convince myself that there is indeed a reason to live, but frankly, it's not working.
fuck my job, fuck my scars, fuck having a broken heart, fuck being a pussy, fuck everything, fuck everyone, and fuck you.