2002-09-19 - 12:23 a.m.
2002-09-19 - 12:23 a.m.
it's all coming crashing down and i can't stop it. fresh cuts run perpendicular to the scabbed ones from a few days earlier.
i cut myself in the shower yesterday. the water was kind of backing up and i turned the tub red. i felt like i was in a horror movie.
i can remember the first time, so vividly. it was 5 years ago. saturday, in the fall. you had broke plans with me again, and i started to cry. i called you back and and begged you to come see me, and you hung up on me. i wasn't familiar with the feeling of having my feelings so deeply hurt. i had just started crying a few weeks earlier, when you changed. i couldn't remember the last time i cried before that. i was sitting in my bed, my back against the wall. it was when i had the small green table with my stereo on it next to my bed. i was so angry, and so sad, and i hated the way i felt. i wasn't good enough for you anymore, and i didn't understand why. i banged my head against the wall, but it just hurt and made me cry even more.
(so i'm a baby, kill me)
there was a safety pin sitting on the green table. (oooh, dripping with irony, SAFETY pin?!) i opened it, and slashed my left forearm three times.
and it felt so good.
i did it two more times and put the safety pin away. i felt really guilty, very after-school special, like some angst-ridden teenage girl.
so that was when it all started. 5 years and a couple of hundred scars later, i'm still here.
i've yet to figure out if that is a good thing.