2002-10-16 - 3:33 a.m.
2002-10-16 - 3:33 a.m.
well i haven't updated in like a week. not that anyone cares. and not that i care.
i don't know. with each passing day, i become more and more convinced that my life is one big cruel joke. i am actually handling it quite well. well, granted, i break down crying at least 4 times a day, but that's just because i am not on an anti-depressant anymore. which i am still far from convinced is a good idea. anyways.
i have come to the conclusion that i just must be extremely undesirable. and it sucks. and it makes me feel very bad about myself.
case number one. meet a really nice girl online last week. we have so much in common, which is extremely odd, since noone likes the same things i do. i see a picture of her, and at first i don't think she is very cute, but i don't really care. what the hell are looks anyways? i'm obviously not going to be attracting any supermodels anytime soon, just having SOMEONE or ANYONE for that matter hold my hand and go for a walk with me because they actually LIKE me would be nice. but i digress. so friday i talk to her for like 2 hours on the phone. we get along very well. she says i should bring her a coffee at work. and since i am a complete sucker, i say ok. i bring her a coffee and she asks me what i am doing that night. i say nothing, so she asks me if i want to go to the movies. i said sure. we go to the movies. i pay for the movie. and parking. and gummi bears. and drinks. and i drive her home. i actually feel HAPPY. i have a good time. things look promising (here is where i should have realized that i was about to get fucked over). she is trying to get to sleep friday night because she has to work saturday. i make up some story about being in her area at 8am (who believes that anyways?) and offer her a ride to work. in reality, i got 2 hours of sleep just to drive her 15 mins to work. but i didn't mind! so we were supposed to go shopping sat. afternoon. we went. it sucked. highlights - her basically using me as a clothes rack, wihtout even really aknowledging i was even there. calling up some other boy to ask him to come hang out with her that night. calling up ANOTHER boy and telling him to come see her on sunday. i was thinking, hmmm, am i even here? then she friend shows up, which was fine, but i kind of thought she would ask me to see if it was ok? whatever. then i pay for parking, and get the car and go pick her up and drive her home. she is then tired, and wants to take a NAP, codeword for timetoleave. so i leave.
you know, what's the fucking point. who cares about this story anyways. it's long and useless and pathetic and dumb. i'll just sum it up. sunday, she hangs out with this other boy who is sooooooo wonderful and they kissed and snuggled all day. i'm not one to bullshit, so i ask what i am thinking.
i mentioned her new boytoy.
me: yeah, but you like him better ;-)
her: hah but only in that whole cuddling boyfriend aspect
her: which definately fades
her: :P
me: :PPPPPPPPPPP i suppose so. why don't you like me in that aspect? (i'm just curious:-))
her: werrr
her: don't make me answer that
what the fuck. i thought it was a fucking valid question. you don't like me, at least have the fucking decency to tell me why. but i guess i don't deserve to know or something.
so i talk to her monday. and i give her a ride to work again. and then i drive back to her work to buy her lunch and sit with her for a halfhour. then today.
her: chrisssssssssssss
me: awwwwww
her: come take care of me!!!
her: *whines*
so what do i do! drive the halfhour to her house. pick her up. take her to cvs. and buy her 40 dollars worth of cold medicine and candy and tissues.
i mean, she says thank you.
but i am a complete fool. and i know this, and i can't say i even care anymore. i am too nice, and it sucks. i just wish someone would fucking appreciate it for once.
so last night. i am talking to another girl. she goes to school right near me. i email her today. she emails me back. says we should go to the movies tonight. i say sure. i meet her at the movies. buy her ticket (there's a fucking surprise). she was nice. i walk her home after the movie to her dorm. and then take a really sketchy route back to my car where the possibility of getting jumped was very high. i can't say i actually cared though.
so i get home, and poof, who IMs me.
other her: can i tell you something.
wicked attractive me: sure
other her: cause i'm feeling bad about it.
other her: alright...the deal:
other her: i'm very interested in this other boy but i thought it was awesome to hang out with you. and i really enjoy talking to you. but i also gotta you weren't into me vibe anyhows. maybe i'm way wrong.
other her: got not gotta
other her: so i don't want you to think i'm blowing you off.
other her: it's a boy that i've been dating sorta since last year
then it gets better!
other her: you are being too nice.
tell me something i don't know! hahahahaa.
other her: i just didn't want to lead you on or something
now, i have nothing against having female friends. all of my friends are female in fact. but for FUCKING ONCE i want someone to LIKE ME.
i guess i'm just way more of a loser than i originally thought. wooohooo.
hahaha, i think this entry is more pathetic then even all of my entries with my sliced up arms. i would almost rather writing about my cuts than this shit. when i cut myself, i am in control.
and i am so clearly not in control right now.
oh well.
story of my life.